We’re Living In A World Of Traps And Lies

Why are we so conscious of what other people think through being conscious of what we think, since when did these two distinct properties submerge into one breaking an untangle seal that was once as solid as brick. But now the brick has cracks within it, it’s now drowning in water, the water is seeping into its mighty frame softening its strong roots turning the solid structure into a lump of mush.

Since when were we okay to let our lives transform into this erupted sand volcano and leave us with an empty heap of slush. Take it back is what I say, Take back our actions our words and recreate them into a new sound something more lyrical something more flamboyant, something we can shout out loud and be proud of the recall and when that tune flutters back to you in a some what better form be happy that you’ve made your imprint on the world. And remember every aspect of your self is a good one

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I lie here beneath my covers feeling as though I should be buried deep underneath my bed, my house, this world. the proximities between myself and the existence of others is so far away yet I feel as though I’m on a suffocatingly full train trapped between a heavily pregnant woman and a priest. My main anxiety in life is being “in the way”essentially like a pin on the floor that people stand on and have to yank out in one pull. They’ll streak out a cry and wince so that their whole body converts inwards as the sharp neurotic pain punchers their organs forcing their stilettos to deflate in fluctuant shapes and sizes holding their fragile bones in self comfort on the cobbled floor which they now contemptuously avoid with distrust and anger.

Buts thats me. I hurt and then I leave however I have a habit for not healing. The sting will stay with every walk and step they take. They’ll feel me like a chomp at the leg. They won’t jolt though, imagine the embarrassment of the posing question. “why are you limping” imagine someone, anyone noticing your pain, your weakness and to reply with the repulsive tones “I stood on a pin” Their faces would scrunch up as a ripple of laughter would eurrup from their quaking shell and leave you to endure the pain from multiple hard lashes of every “ha” over and over and if I didn’t laugh they would be in their minds.

 

Light of My Life Fire of My Loins

Today, 30th of March, I purchased a MacBook!!

My intentions behind this action were very rational backed up by great justification. first being exams. I have my AS Philosophy exam on the 16th of May, followed ever so shortly by ​real A Level subjects. this links in nicely with my second point of reasoning, THE COLLEGE COMPUTERS ARE ALWAYS OCCUPIED. Not to scrutinise my college for being highly impractical at supplying the whole college of around 2000+ students with a library of about 40 and a “computer drop in” of around 50 most may I add are possesed by first years munching on crisps whilst binge watching excesses amounts of pointless Netflix series. So this new change will be a very pleasant addition to my college life let alone for me since my old laptop (a Toshiba) weighed a ton and was far too big to manage. I cant even say it functioned well as late 2016 the touch pad broke and so I had to use a plug in mouse, which again, made using the laptop a triumph.

my parents were very much awear of my situation before buying the laptop but it was my reasoning to say that when my birthday comes around, in June, I won’t NEED a laptop like I do now. As in June my exams will be over and my hedonistic head will be nicely in place to make the worst life decisions ever so whilst I’m motived and devoted to my studies I felt this purchase was almost a necessity to my future.

So here I am, typing away on my MacBook, I decided against a pro due to the weight as I am evidently the weakest gal going. no but seriously, my friend has the pro and she whines about it being equivalent to a small cat (in weight, not function)

An Update…

Hello. Hello to who may be reading this, which will obviously be just me.

So Hello to me!

 

I’m writing to inform you of an update, a change in events, pathways, life.

I hope my typing has improved since I last typed although I’m making no promises. last year (2017) started at A and ended at 03939 meaning I started the year quite down, down about myself, my life, my future. I felt completely alone no matter what company or compassion nothing made me feel truly whole. However, someone stepped into me. although now we don’t speak and I must admit that is most definitely for the best, he taught me a lot. more about myself than anything else but no matter what I will always have a soft spot for him, a “what if” But I did lean that no matter how many “what if’s life throws at you, you have to stay true to yourself!! and that’s what I did. along the way I did let him back in, however I stood my ground and kept him at arms length and I feel like from that alone my self respect grew immensely.

Another thing that happened in 2017 is friendships. I learnt beggers cannot be choosers. yes I felt completely alone at the beginning of 2017, but part of that was due to myself. I took those in front of me for granted. I don’t want to be honest with myself but I will. I wanted something different I felt like I was waiting for train that I knew wasn’t coming. and for me this was difficult. I knew that nothing good was coming. a levels were draining, my health wasn’t particularly amazing and I felt like I didn’t fit in. but if you’re not fitting in you cant change your shape, you have to surround your self with the good people who accept you no matter what shape and that’s what I’ve finally found and will continue to cherish. Personally, I feel like I now can accept, if I unhappy with my surroundings move else where. even if it means spending a few break times alone, sometimes being alone is nice.

 

Next, this year was full of new experiences and honestly its safe to say I probably will never experience as much as I did in the year of 2017 and one thing I fully have taken on board is to have NO REGRETS! STOP CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOU! BE YOURSELF AND BE PROUD OF YOURSLEF!

I’ve applied to university on multiple courses and have received conditional offers from them all. right now I’m content. I’m terrified don’t get me wrong with exams coming quicker than I ever but I’m excited as well as terrified. I’m hoping to get into the University of Liverpool on their Communications and Media course, it’s ABB and in my mocks I got CDE so I’m very much in fear. However, I’ve been doing revision and re doing questions in hope to improve but who knows what’s happening.

This brings me to another lesson I’ve learnt; try your best. As long as you know you’re doing your best and working your hardest, all will be okay.

“Have you ever been told about the birds and the bees” 

No. I learnt my self, the hard way.
First of all the birds. Birds flutter and flap until their wings get tired and their bait becomes stale. Soon enough, they need more, they want more. So they fly high into the sky away from their nests to a new tree, a new branch. With their charms and claws they will build up the foundations of what could be. Until they suddenly feel a draft so leave again. Unfinished endings are left like open wounds. Because only the weak settle down, the young and feisty chase. They live for the chase.

As for the bees. We’re all afraid, no one can trust a bee. Although their fluecent fuzz shows kindness and innocence their actions can leave us poisoned. But everybody loves bees !! They leave sweetness and flowers, without them the world won’t turn!! Buzzing about providing the pollen. How on earth could such creature be dying ? Such species be dying ? You will only ever find out if you have trust in a bee. Having trust in a bee is the real danger, you believe that bee is different, that you have found a special bee who will stay in your garden and care for the petals that stand . A bee so gental, a bee so caring. But soon enough the bee will gather their pollen, with words of return. However, with so many other pretty flowers around how can the little bee resist? Your plants will wilt, dry, crumble for you know that bee will take what once kept your garden alive and give to another and another and another. Bees maybe harmless, but they sting.

I Hate Clarks.

I truthfully have always despised the well know shoe store, Clarks. Not to cause offence, but I find all their shoes replusive and would rather wear bin bags on my feet in public than their shredded cow skin. Firstly, their staff are just annoying; like the saying flies around shit, that is what a clarks member of staff is like. Now I’m actually friends with a clarks worker and she is lovely outside of work so I am sure these people are very civilised people. However, in the over lit shop I can’t bare being surrounded by them all.

Following on from the topic of over obsessive staff I can conclude that they are extreamly patronising as well. Now, I have a strange relationship with shopping especially shoe shopping. I’m either elated or an uncomotable anxious eruption of nerves, which turns me into the biggest introvert that just looks on the verge of tears. They constantly come up in my face asking the same drawn out question ” would you like any help here ” to which I’d say no but they always shoot back with the same repated ” are you sure ” to which I might aswell fall to the ground and beg it to swallow me up.

You’re probably wondering: ‘why shop at Clarks then?’ and quite frankly I don’t. In fact I avoid the shop at all costs its my mother with the strange Clarks addiction especially her crave for their granny sandals (example A) or ugly boots. She use to always insist me and my sister would get our school shoes from Clarks. Every year she’d drag us crying, kicking and screaming (I’m being very serious) just to get us to try on the sickening shoes and even with bribing we both refused. On one occasion my mum wasn’t taking no for an answer. She asked one of the ever so annoyingly lovely assistants to “help” us or her to get me some school shoes, to where she dumped me in the infants area where everyone was four and below, not forgetting the great staff treating me asthough all my brain cells had died out and I had no mental capacitly of my own. with much encouragement from my overly smiley mother I frowned through the whole experience and told them both I hated all the shoes and the shop, the women wasn’t offended she was too busy on cloud coo coo acting like she was a Disney princess from Florida to notice the excruciating pain I was in or the horrendous amount of disinterest I was showing. I call that plain ignorance.

I mean do you! But frankly, me being me is not enjoying that store.

 

 

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Example A

 

 

 

 

 A New Pathway Of Life

It’s amazing how life can change depending on the minor and major acts within. Take this for example, GCSE results day. Thursday 25th August. Honestly, I was waiting for this day expecting to fail Physics and French due to my obsession with how difficult and mind boggling they both were. However, on the actual day I was blown away with what I saw.

Nothing could of prepared me for it. waking up at 7.30am feeling unsettled and nauseous I genuinely felt like I was waiting in the middle of a road for an artic lorry to flatter my body. Arriving at school it unsettled me more seeing the ever so familiar faces of people who had sub-contiously been setting expectations to live by for 5 years of my life. Soon enough we were let in. The hall didn’t seam different from when I left, I didn’t feel special being back if anything being back made me realise how fortunate I had been to be able to leave. The queues were agonisingly long yet the realisation of our GCSEs results being a few meters away was just too close to comfort.

Now, for those who say “GCSEs are irrelevant to your future” I say fair enough I’m sure there is some way of getting through life without getting top grades. However, I wanted to achieve and do well. for me this was a big step and a big challenge. All through high school I had been put down by many teachers and students to me doing well was a middle finger to expectations and to show myself i can do it. It was not easy none of it was easy but you have to stick with it neither-less with the weeks and months of solid hard work I still had doubt in my heart that it wouldn’t work out that somehow I’d failed.

The queue shortened, soon enough it was my turn to sit with the lady and collect my grades. My whole body was shaking as adrenaline was pulsating all around.This was it.

My results read the following,

Biology  C -Why’d you fuck me over unit 3

Chemistry B – still in disbelief

Drama B – just incase I want to be an actress xxx

English Language B

English Literature A – I’m still internally crying

French C – HOW ON EARTH HAHAHAHA

History B

Math B – Thank the Lord

Physics C – No words I don’t even know

Psychology B

Religious Education B

Im still deeply overwhelmed and ecstatic. I literally ran to my mum in the schools car park where we drove to Winstanley college I needed 48 points to get in, I had 50. Honestly so made up. The next step at enrolment was choosing my A Levels.I had no clue for the future.. what to be/ where do want to go/ how to get anywhere from an unanswered question. Because I have many ideas, too many ideas maybe. I think now about what i want to be and a few options come to mind like a nutritionist, food blogger, hotel owner, something in law, manager of people all of the above? Seriously though my mind just doesn’t know and truthfully I don’t want to know. Now high school is over this is just hammering down the nails that stabilises the tent of life and I’m not ready to set up a life for myself yet. I’m not ready to plan for the future I was happy chewing gum in the back of chemistry watching the bunson burner do things I should of understood. Or watching films through the projector last period on Fridays. So when an official at a college asks “what do you want to do?” I simply reply with “be rich” I mean life is great then isn’t it.. I can have designer clothing, a shoe and bag collection in my walk in wardrobe that has a large window with threes pressing against its gloss white boarders. However, this is real life and the actual likely hood of me having that is highly unlikely. But right now when I think of ‘future’ thats what I see and want. Unfortuantly, life never panns out the way we want it to.

After a long discussion I settled with Philosophy, English combined and Psychology. I’m still unsure with Psychology but I’m just going to give it ago and see what happens. The thought of starting college excites me no one knowing who you are or who you’ve been in the past. It’s like there is no past only the future. So right now, all I can say is bring it.

 

I Don’t Want Your Porn

Instagram. Cue the eye roll for the white girl has gone too far yet again but honestly this was utterly devastating for me. I feel as though my hard work and accomplishments had gone to pot. This may come across as shameful and social media obsessed. However, Instagram was where I posted photos I had taken myself all around the world (Europe) I’d started at the age of 13 to now, 16. It had many amazing memories and followed me through high school as a diary so to speak. The fact high school is now over and my Instagram is to I have to restart, however it doesn’t feel right that I don’t have my ‘ratio’ or the little accounts that even though you haven’t ever spoke you feel a great bond just by liking each others posts.

Let me begin with the first blip of my Instagram, I was on holiday and at around 3 in the morning with extremely poor wi-fi puking my guts out when suddenly my phone got attacked with vibrations. It was one of my friends spamming me with messages like ‘CHECK YOUR INSTAGRAM’ and ‘YOUVE BEEN HACKED’ obviously alarmed I quickly loaded the app up and she was right, I had been locked out. Luckily I had linked my Instragram to my Facebook but unfortunately my Facebook password had been changed also. The first thing in my mind was ‘my family are going to get spammed with porn’ as that was what happening on my instagram sharing “my” nudes to 800+ people. Luckily after answering a few security questions I was in and could then access my instagram finally I changed everything back to normal and it was like nothing ever happened.

Until around 2 days ago, I woke up one morning with a ridiculous amount of following requests from people who were so closely familiar their accounts were just not right. As there was so many I was sat in a state of confusion that was till I noticed my name, icon and bio had all been changed but the thing that got to me the most was the fact they’d followed 3k+ accounts. Honestly my heart sank I can’t unfollow that many accounts even if I did they’d keep on following mass number of people.

So now I’ve accepted this for what it is, my feed, I’ve worked on for so long full of my own ‘photography’ and memories are now drifting among the spam riddled accounts. So I start fresh. But to say good-bye (I’m so so sad) to all the memories and great people I found through my account I’m going to talk about my feed and to keep it on here as I did really appreciate it as art even though I’m probably the only one.

Firstly,


These were the last posts on my Instagram. The final year of highschool selfies during the best/worst times of my life. Following through to the not so magical prom night but it’s a night I’ll always remember held together with great days and lovely scenery. Not forgetting my face (apologies there) This earea of my feed is the fullest my feed had ever got with friends and people I had met. In fact I adore how this section really brings out the social side of me as I do cherish my friends very much.

Moving on,

If i was to sum up this time of my life it would definetly be complicated. I really struggled to work out which decision and pathway to take in which was going to befit me most for the long run. However after the flood of “throwback” photos I worked out the best thing to do. When I say “worked out” I actually mean forced my self into an oblivion mindset of canceling out any other options that would leave me in ruins.

Life lesson 1: think about you later because that’ll be the you which deal with the consequences of your actions now

Following through,


I can only describe this section of feed as summer 2015, in fact their was more to this summer but I deleted it due to it just not sitting well with me. It felt too forced to actually mean anything which really sculpts my feelings towards Instagram and how upsetting it is to be parted by a weird bug which follows infinitive porn accounts.This summer held lots of adventure and was the time I attended my first ‘party’ it was super exciting and I’ll never forget the freindships I made during this time. Even though this leads on to christmas I can honestly say I loved this time of my life especially with my trip to Paris. This was infact my second time going to Paris, I love to compare these posts with my posts from the first time I went to Paris just to notice how mature they became it really helped me refelect on who I was becoming. yet again this period of my life had a male weirdly entined in the dates.

Now this was the time where I was very much a hard-core feed goals wannabe,

This was pre-summer with my trip to Llandudno with my friends and my birthday. This time of my life was very very exciting with spontanious outings and late night sleepovers with my friends we felt like we could rule the world one day and achive all of our dreams aslong as we stook together. Unsurpisingly the a boy still found himself stuck in which my layout adjusted which obviously ended in heart-break that led me to the common saying “he’s a dick” to end it all. But that couldn’t distract me from having the best days of my life with the best people in my life.

This time of my Instagram gives me a sense of coldness, maybe it’s because I live in England and when is it not cold? Or maybe its the fact I didn’t really understand the point. Everyday was the same the same routine nothing exciting was happening just going to school coming home to go back to school again.

Life lesson 2: Stop expecting start living
But soon enough things perked up especially seeing Ariana Grande on her Honey Moon Tour which is still to this day such a magical moment for me. Also, I’m pretty sure they are my Primark black jeans that I was ever so proud of purchasing.

No matter what I will always have a soft spot for this section of my feed,

It represents many moments in my life for example; my first trip to Paris, my first time uploading photos that i had taken which didn’t really have a purpose for example the raindrops or the lights both completely pointless but i wanted to show them and from here I never turned back. funnily enough people actually complimented me which left me puzzled but I’m so glad i did it. Now please hold for my Ariana Grande follow – still very very proud ( you may find my twitter ) I’m still deeply inlolve with Ed,Taylor and Ariana but in a way you love your child a bond that will always be there. However, I feel asthough 5 Seconds Of Summer was jsut a phase, neitherless I’d hook up with Calum Hood any day.

Now this is diving into the foetus days,
img_5770I could sit and cringe at these photos of me tring but I wont (like i ever stopped trying). I don’t really know how to describe this section as I feel its very stereotypical for a 13 yearolds Instagram with the boarders and random colours especially the chrome edits and a weird half face selfie where I’m squinting far too much. However, it was the time of quotes and me atempting not to ‘annoy’ anyone. Bless. But without the embarsing moments in our life would we be the people we are today?

So this brings me to my final paragraph (thank god): The conclusion of my Instgram known as @eleanorrpage. However, now I restart my journey on my new Instagram  (@eleanorpagee) not sure how I’m going to get it upto the same standard (what standers omg stop trying) but I’m going to have a go. Wish me Luck.

p.s Yes I understand people are dying in other countries. Yes i understand in some places in the word they’re lucky to receive water but we all come across struggles and this is just a blip in mine I do apologise but heyHo.

A for Amateur

Blog Post 1

People start blogs with intentions and an aim to probably benefit their life in a way nothing else could. I may or may not be just like them in the sense I feel as though a blog may satisfy the subconscious thinking patterns that I cannot control.

I wouldn’t describe myself as impulsive not action wise anyway, however how do I define the fact in which I was scrolling through Tumblr and saw a blog post and though wow I want to start one of those. So now I’m here. Unaware of what this actually does. For all I know I could be signing up for a cult or to a site full of teens ready to attack any suggestive problematic activity or a site where obsessive fan girls explode over something that happened in  fictional land. This can be considered as quite daring (how sad am I) but keeping clear of a cynical mind-set  I’m actually excited to start a blog. who knows what’s going to happen or if I’m even going to keep this up.

 

p.s I don’t actually like berries I have a growing mistrust with them so that photo is very misleading (it’s all good the berries are gone)