It’s amazing how life can change depending on the minor and major acts within. Take this for example, GCSE results day. Thursday 25th August. Honestly, I was waiting for this day expecting to fail Physics and French due to my obsession with how difficult and mind boggling they both were. However, on the actual day I was blown away with what I saw.
Nothing could of prepared me for it. waking up at 7.30am feeling unsettled and nauseous I genuinely felt like I was waiting in the middle of a road for an artic lorry to flatter my body. Arriving at school it unsettled me more seeing the ever so familiar faces of people who had sub-contiously been setting expectations to live by for 5 years of my life. Soon enough we were let in. The hall didn’t seam different from when I left, I didn’t feel special being back if anything being back made me realise how fortunate I had been to be able to leave. The queues were agonisingly long yet the realisation of our GCSEs results being a few meters away was just too close to comfort.
Now, for those who say “GCSEs are irrelevant to your future” I say fair enough I’m sure there is some way of getting through life without getting top grades. However, I wanted to achieve and do well. for me this was a big step and a big challenge. All through high school I had been put down by many teachers and students to me doing well was a middle finger to expectations and to show myself i can do it. It was not easy none of it was easy but you have to stick with it neither-less with the weeks and months of solid hard work I still had doubt in my heart that it wouldn’t work out that somehow I’d failed.
The queue shortened, soon enough it was my turn to sit with the lady and collect my grades. My whole body was shaking as adrenaline was pulsating all around.This was it.
My results read the following,
Biology C -Why’d you fuck me over unit 3
Chemistry B – still in disbelief
Drama B – just incase I want to be an actress xxx
English Language B
English Literature A – I’m still internally crying
French C – HOW ON EARTH HAHAHAHA
Math B – Thank the Lord
Physics C – No words I don’t even know
Religious Education B
Im still deeply overwhelmed and ecstatic. I literally ran to my mum in the schools car park where we drove to Winstanley college I needed 48 points to get in, I had 50. Honestly so made up. The next step at enrolment was choosing my A Levels.I had no clue for the future.. what to be/ where do want to go/ how to get anywhere from an unanswered question. Because I have many ideas, too many ideas maybe. I think now about what i want to be and a few options come to mind like a nutritionist, food blogger, hotel owner, something in law, manager of people all of the above? Seriously though my mind just doesn’t know and truthfully I don’t want to know. Now high school is over this is just hammering down the nails that stabilises the tent of life and I’m not ready to set up a life for myself yet. I’m not ready to plan for the future I was happy chewing gum in the back of chemistry watching the bunson burner do things I should of understood. Or watching films through the projector last period on Fridays. So when an official at a college asks “what do you want to do?” I simply reply with “be rich” I mean life is great then isn’t it.. I can have designer clothing, a shoe and bag collection in my walk in wardrobe that has a large window with threes pressing against its gloss white boarders. However, this is real life and the actual likely hood of me having that is highly unlikely. But right now when I think of ‘future’ thats what I see and want. Unfortuantly, life never panns out the way we want it to.
After a long discussion I settled with Philosophy, English combined and Psychology. I’m still unsure with Psychology but I’m just going to give it ago and see what happens. The thought of starting college excites me no one knowing who you are or who you’ve been in the past. It’s like there is no past only the future. So right now, all I can say is bring it.