An Update…

Hello. Hello to who may be reading this, which will obviously be just me.

So Hello to me!

 

I’m writing to inform you of an update, a change in events, pathways, life.

I hope my typing has improved since I last typed although I’m making no promises. last year (2017) started at A and ended at 03939 meaning I started the year quite down, down about myself, my life, my future. I felt completely alone no matter what company or compassion nothing made me feel truly whole. However, someone stepped into me. although now we don’t speak and I must admit that is most definitely for the best, he taught me a lot. more about myself than anything else but no matter what I will always have a soft spot for him, a “what if” But I did lean that no matter how many “what if’s life throws at you, you have to stay true to yourself!! and that’s what I did. along the way I did let him back in, however I stood my ground and kept him at arms length and I feel like from that alone my self respect grew immensely.

Another thing that happened in 2017 is friendships. I learnt beggers cannot be choosers. yes I felt completely alone at the beginning of 2017, but part of that was due to myself. I took those in front of me for granted. I don’t want to be honest with myself but I will. I wanted something different I felt like I was waiting for train that I knew wasn’t coming. and for me this was difficult. I knew that nothing good was coming. a levels were draining, my health wasn’t particularly amazing and I felt like I didn’t fit in. but if you’re not fitting in you cant change your shape, you have to surround your self with the good people who accept you no matter what shape and that’s what I’ve finally found and will continue to cherish. Personally, I feel like I now can accept, if I unhappy with my surroundings move else where. even if it means spending a few break times alone, sometimes being alone is nice.

 

Next, this year was full of new experiences and honestly its safe to say I probably will never experience as much as I did in the year of 2017 and one thing I fully have taken on board is to have NO REGRETS! STOP CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOU! BE YOURSELF AND BE PROUD OF YOURSLEF!

I’ve applied to university on multiple courses and have received conditional offers from them all. right now I’m content. I’m terrified don’t get me wrong with exams coming quicker than I ever but I’m excited as well as terrified. I’m hoping to get into the University of Liverpool on their Communications and Media course, it’s ABB and in my mocks I got CDE so I’m very much in fear. However, I’ve been doing revision and re doing questions in hope to improve but who knows what’s happening.

This brings me to another lesson I’ve learnt; try your best. As long as you know you’re doing your best and working your hardest, all will be okay.

A for Amateur

Blog Post 1

People start blogs with intentions and an aim to probably benefit their life in a way nothing else could. I may or may not be just like them in the sense I feel as though a blog may satisfy the subconscious thinking patterns that I cannot control.

I wouldn’t describe myself as impulsive not action wise anyway, however how do I define the fact in which I was scrolling through Tumblr and saw a blog post and though wow I want to start one of those. So now I’m here. Unaware of what this actually does. For all I know I could be signing up for a cult or to a site full of teens ready to attack any suggestive problematic activity or a site where obsessive fan girls explode over something that happened in  fictional land. This can be considered as quite daring (how sad am I) but keeping clear of a cynical mind-set  I’m actually excited to start a blog. who knows what’s going to happen or if I’m even going to keep this up.

 

p.s I don’t actually like berries I have a growing mistrust with them so that photo is very misleading (it’s all good the berries are gone)

A Perspective Research Diary

Post one

So for my second year on University, I am studying public relations and within this I need to consider what “public relations” actually mean and why I want to study it.

This post will be post number one of my research into public relations. I aim to be as straight as possible with myself in this blog and aim to sketch out my ideas in comparison to the real thing.

So to begin, with my lack of knowledge I’d assume public relations is a way of measuring and managing the messages which are being communicated within a society, business, news room such management aims to keep the public happy and ethic. Since I’d interpret relations to mean relationships.

You make my heart full

< 3

I love you

FOMO without an invite

I see you all out, you’re all smiling and laughing almost as thought nothing could possibly be wrong. I’m seeing you through a screen but you’re seeing each other in person, you’re all in touch of one an other but I can’t relate.

I don’t think I should be there. Surely if that was the case I’d be there, you’d want me there.

But I know it’s a whatever thing.

It always is. I’ll grit my teeth, spear my thoughts and I’ll tell you lies. Tell you it’s fine I’m fine everything is okay.

But is it ever fine ? When all I can see is people living perfectly fine without me when I know I couldn’t live perfectly fine without them?

Who knows.

Thought

Honestly use to be massively heartless n now I’m still heartless it just has actual blood running through it now

Challenge’s

INTRODUCTION 

 

I always see challenges floating round Instagram and always want to join the tag despite never actually being tagged …

So instead of harassing my friends with annoying stories every day for 30 days I’m going to do my challenge on here in this section of my blog.

Black Widow

I blamed myself for what happened to him but there was no confusion when I watched you cast your web from a bed post to the glass pain windows. I always knew you had him stored away but I never knew you had him tied and tubed up like a hospital drip. A drips which pumped your delusional reality into his vains taking his will power and giving it to you. He’s always there for whenever you need the extra vitamins which the other critters weren’t providing.

I remember the first time I saw you sink your jaw into his gentle claws clasping your web around his wings. I still don’t know why you did that we all knew he wasn’t going anywhere. you saw me from below, I was gawping eyes  and mouth wide open almost as if i was trying to catch droplets of his blood which you might accidentally let slip from your thin lips. But I wasn’t stupid. You’re smarter than that with lots of practice, I knew waiting for even a drop of him would be like waiting for a drop of rain in a drought.

I wish I was strong enough to fly into your nest but I heard you need to join on to a membership to enter and they were hard to get hold of. Even so, especially on terms, I was strictly forbidden from your lair. I’ve be warned to stay away. And even though I drew the short straw, I’m not staying hidden.

So heres to you black widow, I wish you well on your feasting and policing but the undertaker will be on his feet soon clearing out his closest and leaving the ghosts right on your door. Soon your web will weaken with the weight of the past dragging your nest down. Look after your spindly legs, you’ll need a lot of strength to hold onto the victims you have hoarded before they fall from your grasp for good.

 

Liverpool’s First

FRIDAY 18TH JANUARY MY FIRSTY WHITE MORNING IN LIVERPOOL

The snow this morning was angelic, the way it drifted through the air before descending to puddles on the ground. the snow this morning brought the past to the present as the wintery chills made brown bricks appear golden. The grey clouds were now fogged over by cotton pads and pears as the droplets of snow cascaded down from them. I first noticed the sprinkling snow in my uni room. I washed for a hot minute before leaving to watch from the kitchen. my university kitchen windows are bigger and wider. I could see the whole street being showered by the glistening pearls from there.

I couldn’t stay for long even though I really wanted to. Unfortunately, I had to meet my sister at the train station but still found myself loosely wondering the streets of Liverpool mesmerised in the nostalgia from the dusted streets. for some reason the snow made my walk mentally challenging almost as if the white sheet was a hallucinogenic making every street a trip to Freshers week in September when I walked the same paths with new people, new friends. Each road was a new beginning a new memory. the snow had rebirthed the city making everything feel so fresh again.

 

 

THE WILD LOAF

THE FLORIST

RODNEY STREET

THE BOMBED OUT CHURCH

Under The Bed Sheets

Is where you and me will be.

Skinny

This poem derived from a social media star/ influencer who posted a photo(s) of them looking not so much unhealthy but VERY VERY well maintained. This only struck me when I realised this lady’s audience was aimed at 12-16 year old girls- girls who are at going through the toughest times of puberty, sexuality, body image. I wanted to bring in a child’s perspective on this topic of what influence influencers are actually having. Then the thought made me think how far society will go in the norms which young girls are being told is the “norm” for them . It’s an interesting thought. 

 

You’re so skinny you’re making my head spinny.

I see you looking tiny when you walk with legs so spiny.

It hurts to see your knees bend because I know they’ll never be on the mend.

You’re so skinny you’re making my head spinny.

It hurts to see your whispy skin turn translucent and grey. Your eyes so numb they’re like two hollow holes gawping into the sun on a rainy day.

You’re so skinny you’re making my head spinny.

It hurts to see a hidden frown, why your gown won’t keep you on the ground,

For your actions is what’s creating your skin to grow nests and your lungs to decompose just like the rest.

I see you’ve harvest a rattle snake who lives within your bones, he tournaments you like a child would, but never one of your own.

you say you won’t need the company, you’ve got too many thoughts zooming alone, whispers and cattle’s gawping at your brittle silhouette which just won’t leave you alone.

This is your fault, your mother cries. But only behind close doors, in front of a mirror which now shows a blurred disfiguration of her reflection reflecting nothing at all. As the woman she use to be was the woman who held her family tree. But your branch is breaking and she is quaking.  Her chest so heavy you will never understand how she has saved you on so many. But mother will be there when you fall, she’ll dress you to look your best since this is your last ball. She wishes you weren’t so spinny maybe that way you could see, that your head being spinny spinny was making me skinny skinny.

 

You

I don’t want you, I don’t need you.

I’m fine waking up alone and taking myself to the shops. I’m fine ordering a meal for one and laughing at my own jokes. I’m fine ordering chopsticks and not asking for a knife and fork on top. I’m fine with a quite 3am and even a lonely sob.

I don’t need a companion or an extra body at the table. I don’t need you in the morning to make my bed. I know I will never do it, but that’s better left unsaid. I don’t need your hands to hold me. I can hold myself perfectly fine. I don’t have wheels on me even if I did I could push myself just right.

But you’re here now and I guess that’s okay. Because being with you can always lighten my day. I’m fine on my own, happy in all the ways but your presence is something special and I really hope you stay.